The "Grown Up" Life

I have officially been living on my own for a month now—SAY WHAT!?

I know. It’s hard to believe, but it’s true!

My parents and time in college did a great job preparing me for adulthood, but even so I’ve learned a lot over the past four weeks.  My biggest fear about living on my own was that my diet would consist entirely of pasta and ice cream. (As of now there is only ONE tub of ice cream in my freezer and I’ve only cooked pasta twice. BE SO PROUD OF ME!)

All jokes aside, living on my own for the first time has taken some getting used to. I knew it would be weird. I knew it would be fun. I knew it would be NOT fun, but KNOWING and experiencing are two very different things.

I knew it would be really nice to have my own space.

As much as I loved living in a dorm—excuse me, residence hall—I was looking forward to not having to share a bathroom with 26 other people. 

When I was first moving into my apartment I was freaking out a little wondering how I was going to fit everything (clothes, towels, craft supplies…) into my bedroom closet. That’s when it hit me, I have THREE closets, and a pantry to boot! Guys, I have a CRAFT closet!

I’ve also been able to fulfill my lifelong dream of hosting dinner parties! I was so excited that my friends were finally coming over to MY place for dinner that I spent a whole afternoon making napkins to match my green dishes and red chairs (no Christmas today, thanks).  

{True to form, anything that can be floral patterned WILL be floral patterned}

It may be old fashioned, but in the same way I still think it’s important to send hand written letters, I firmly believe people should eat together in one another’s homes. Getting together at a restaurant it just fine, but there’s something special that happens when you gather around the table in someone’s home to share a meal together. Allowing people into the place you live requires a vulnerability that translates into allowing them into your life as well. 

"I really believe that every person should be able to feed themselves and the people they love. I think preparing good and feeding people brings nourishment not only to our bodies but to our spirits. Feeding people is a way of loving them, in the same way feeding ourselves is a way of honoring our own createdness and fragility." ~ Shanna Niequest, Bittersweet 

However, I also knew it would be really hard to have my own space.

There’s a price for having space totally to yourself and no, it’s not included in the rent.

I've made the ‘starting over new’ transition over the past few years several times now, and yet it stills surprises me how long it takes to settle in. I think the process might be even harder now that I have an idea of what to expect. Relationships take time to build, and no matter how much you try, you just can’t rush that. It takes time to figure out your role. What part do I have to play in this new job? In my new church? With new friends? With old friends? You can’t rush the process. All you can do is be patient and figure it out as you go.

When I first went to college I remember there being this weird time when I just felt hug deprived. It happens right when the excitement of meeting everyone wears off. When you've begun to establish relationships with people, but aren't quite on that level yet. I’m starting to feel the same way now.

There are days when I come home from work and don’t want to cook. There are days when I stare at the pile of dirty dishes in the sink and thing “How could I have possibly thought this would be a good idea!?”  There are moments when I feel very much alone and disconnected from everyone. When the loneliness feels physically heavy and doubts attack with a vengeance.

Novelty has a way of slipping into the routine, and yet over all, I’m ridiculous happy because you see,

I also knew that I would grow in this season.

I read a quote once that change, although it may be painful, is a sign that you’re alive; that in the same way a plant must change its shape in order to grow, we need to change.  Without change, without growth, we too die.

That’s how I feel right now. I can feel myself being stretched and challenged and while it can be painful at times, it’s all wildly and incredibly good. 

"Wish I Could Break Your Heart"

One of my absolute favorite things in the world is driving with the windows rolled down and the music cranked way up. Singing along at the top of your lungs to your self-proclaimed anthem while the wind whips through your hair and the sun kisses your face is just short of pure magic.

I was driving home from work like this the other day when Cassadee Pope’s song “Wish I could break your heart” came on.  I’d heard the song a few times before and recognized it as just the type of song you can jam down the road to. I was singing along enjoying life when all of a sudden the full implication of the lyrics hit me.

“Well the truth is that I never ever wanna hurt you baby

But it'd be nice to know that I could

Be strong enough to pull you under, throw you back a little under thunder

Even though I never would

I wish I could break, I wish I could break your heart”

Um… I’m sorry. What?

Even as I turned the music down and flipped to another station, I could feel the knot in my stomach twisting tighter and tighter. Is this really what people expect from relationships these days? Competing to see who can do the most damage before dragging our wounded and broken hearts with us into the next battle? ...and the next …and the next …and the next?

As a young woman with my own share of heartbreak I can see where Cassadee’s coming from.  As people, both men and women, the last thing we want to be seen as is weak. In our “me” centered culture, our heroes are those who appear to need no one or no thing, those who fly through life on their own talent or merit and frankly don’t give a d***. Think Iron Man, Rhett Butler, Sherlock Holmes. We LOVE those characters because they seem so solidly in control of their lives.  Everything is about what will bring me happiness, who makes me fill loved, what brings me fulfillment.

We are so afraid of appearing weak, to having to admit that we can’t control everything in our own lives and that we do in fact need each other, that we’ve agreed to trade genuine love for a set of manipulative mind games. Instead of cherishing one another, taking care of one another, and seeing the intrinsic value in another person, we view our friends and families as tools to be used to ensure our own happiness. 

“Well the truth is that I never ever wanna hurt you baby, but it'd be nice to know that I could.”

Back to riding in the car... 

I was in the car with my brother the other day and we started talking about all the great friendships we’d been blessed with. “It makes a whole lot of difference being friends with people who understand grace,” he said. It’s so true! Grace makes all the difference in the world. When we understand and live in and under grace, there’s no need to assert your power over others. Grace is both freedom from and freedom to. Through grace we’re freed from the unrealistic expectations the world puts on love. Truth is, despite what all the Hollywood endings have to say, even the most loving of people will eventually fall short in providing us the love we desperately need.  Grace allows us to admit that the only one who is perfect is Christ and takes the pressure off our friends, family, and significant others to fill our empty hearts, a task impossible for anyone but Christ to accomplish.

Because of that, grace also offers the freedom to truly love one another. Grace covers us and makes us whole. Grace is what allows us to forgive one another when we mess up and hurt each other. Grace is what allows us to become vulnerable and engage in genuine relationship. Grace gives us the courage to admit that we need other people and to respond to others’ need for us in their lives.

I don't know about you, but I'd much rather live in that world that plays by those rules than the ones in Cassadee's song.

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." ~ Galatians 5:13-15