…Ok maybe not the last one, but you get the idea.
Maybe you find lists like these helpful, but if you’re anything like me, the very thought of memorizing a list like that for every single person you may ever possibly encounter is exhausting. (I’ve never even been able to play a game of Catan because there are too many rules to learn!) Lists like these may help identify some of the common things we say that might hurt others, but they’re still too generic to really be effective. In fact, rather than making it easier to talk to one another, lists like this make it harder to really connect with anyone. We're so afraid of saying something wrong that we simply say nothing at all.
If this is the game that we’re all being forced to play, I want to propose a new set of rules --just one actually. Instead of worrying about all the things we shouldn't say to so and so about such and such, I propose that we focus our time and energy on the thing we should always say.
The one thing you should always say to another person is anything that conveys that they are worth loving.
In a world shared through carefully cropped Instagram photos and perfectly polished tweets, it is easier now more than ever to compare ourselves to others and think “I’m not ____ enough.” I don’t know what your ____ is, but I bet it’s the thing that’s most sensitive to other people’s words. When we already doubt ourselves, even the most innocent words of well-meaning of people can tear us apart.
John 4 is the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well.
When the story begins, Jesus has been walking around all day and he’s hot and tired and thirsty. His friends have all gone into town to buy food, so he sits down at this well on outskirts to rest and wait for them when this woman shows up to get water from the well and he asks her for a drink.
Just like us, this woman was burdened by the belief that she wasn't worthy of being loved. The Bible tells us that this woman had had five husbands and that the man she was living with was not her husband. Now while it’s possible that she was just a “loose woman”, it’s more likely that she was the victim of a rather bizarre custom. Back in Bible times it was customary when a woman’s husband died, she would go live with her husband’s brother or closest male relative and have children by him to continue on her husband’s line. If that brother died, the woman would go to the next brother, and if that brother died… This woman had had FIVE husbands. Can you imagine being passed off like that!? It’s no wonder she went to the well in the middle of the day when no one else is there, her sense of shame and unworthiness have left her feeling raw and defensive. When Jesus asks her for a drink of water, he takes a step closer to the ____in her heart. You can hear the pain and shame that cause her so much pain in her sharp words to Jesus. (v.9, 11-12 Read them, she’s pretty sassy).
To be honest, if I were Jesus at this point in the story I would be thinking “Well, you are entirely unpleasant I can kinda see why no one likes you. Goodbye.” But that’s not what Jesus does at all. He doesn't leave her to reaffirm yet again that she is unlovable. No! Instead, Jesus turns to her and addresses that big ugly ____ eating away at her heart with love. “You are worth it. You ARE lovable. I love you.”
When Jesus’ friends come back they’re shocked to see him talking to this lady, but no one said, “What do you seek” or “Why are you talking with her?” (v.27) Jesus had affirmed that this woman was worth something and her life was changed and through her testimony, her whole town was transformed.
So what if instead of tip-toeing around the many ____ in each other’s hearts, we addressed them, called them out and affirmed in one another that despite our faults and shortcomings, we are worth loving. What if we, like Jesus, used our words to affirm the worth in one another? I believe that if we chose to use our words this way, our lives and the lives of those around us would be transformed, just like the woman at the well.
“You know, I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she lovable. And consequently the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know that they’re loved and capable of loving.”
– Fred Rogers (aka Mr. Rogers)
